Hobbit 2 - Desolation of Filler

[Massterloo]

Welp, I now know it could have been just 2 movies. God damn Hobbit 2 was nice looking, and very entertaining. It was better than the first one by bunches, and I liked the first one. Even though the first one was even more filler than this one. The combination of the two weighs me down. I wasn't angry where they ended the first movie. This time? I was really pissed where they ended it. I knew if it was to be 3 movies. Smaug would be the focus of the second. I fully expected to see a certain death, then a fade while hearing "what happens now?" But no, and the reason why? Well, I started doing an account of scenes that could have been left on the cutting room floor.

Hidden Information!

Needed
1. Bilbo kicks ass. Giant spiders? Fuck them guys. Eat steal bitch. Sad his scouting around Elfie land was cut out to give us a Girl elf in need for dwarf dick.
2. 2 hours 41 minutes, was over too quick. As long as you took a pre movie piss. Really nice fast paced. the movie, not the piss.
3. Bard was fleshed out nicely. Almost as nice as a character that was never in the books. Laketown was brought to life as well.
4. We finally see Beorn in all his glory.
5. Thranduil, King of the Woodland elves was fantastically portrayed.
6. SMAUG. Fucking epic. Its dragon porn. Only at run time 2:40 do you realize its too long. And think, oh no. We are not getting to "that scene".
7. Some have said too much CGI. Bullshit. It was good stuff. One spot in the river rappids scene was bad. But that part as a whole could have been edited.

Not Needed
1. Super human fat guy. The scene when fat dwarf that is useless, and would only slow down the whole journey from the start, not only keeps up, but for comic effect outruns everyone when in danger.
2. Super human fat guy part 2 . The barrel scene where he is conered, and sprouts weapons, and becomes the orc killing spinning top, and pinball ( I swear I was going to hear ding ding ding as he was slamming orcs. Another Jar Jar Binks ha ha moment.
3. Every fucking scene "she" is onscreen. For a film with too many people, lets add to it. She was never a character in the books. Not only for the "women need to feel empowered" crowd, but to have an interracial romance story also. I feel they could sell extra seats to the perv crowd if they also added a orc rape scene. Or given in to Dwarf thumb dick. I mean why not get every dollar they can, right? With all the not quite the same Orlando Bloom scenes, that is 55 minutes right there.
4. At least 5 minutes from the river rappids scene...especially the bad CGI part.
5. I guess they needed to get rid of Gandalf to allow Thorin to be a idiot at certain points. And him getting owned by some orcs ... Really did not fit the bill.
6. Benedict Cumberbatch voice work. As Smaug, and the "Evil" Could have been anyone. Sounded nothing like him after all effects done to it. Oh, and the gold room scene was long....yes we know the dwarfs were rich. The treasure room was larger than the planet earth. And we did a whole tour as Bilbo sneaks around like he was celebrating New Years.
7. I like how the dwarves were fully expecting to be able to fight Smaug hand to hand from the git go - till the realized that was just crazy. Remember stone pillars will always protect you from flames that are surrounding you at 2000 degrees. And the melting point of a billion tons of Gold is a split second. Wait what? never mind. It looked cool.

Ok, I'm sure its all awesome if I was watching the 3rd movie right now. Then all the Tauriel scenes would be great. (except the silly dwarf love at first site thing) but I'm not. And I feel cheated out of my Dragon death.

[Taxious]

Pretty much agree with everything Lulu said. Smaug was the best part of the movie for me and was the best CG I've seen in a movie to-date. I kept getting chills when he would talk.

I hate that it was expanded into 3 movies but I'm also the sucker that is paying to see every episodes, so I can't speak much more to that.

[calleagh]

what tax said but i saw it for free.

it was ok, i guess. the cg were awesome.

[Morbidd]

Given the size of the book and the amount of material added that was never actually in the book, this would have been good as a single film.

[Alluveal]

I enjoyed it, but as an adaptation it sucked gigantic dong.

As a movie on its own, it was fun. It was slightly annoying that they gave the badass captain of the guard (the only female) a romantic interest (or two). She could have just been badass.

After 10 minutes with Smaug, I thought, "Oh cool, they're adding more."
Then after 15 minutes, I thought, "Huh."
Then after 20 minutes, I thought, "Wow, am I watching a fuggin' Steven Spielberg Goonies movie? Where's One-Eyed-Willie?"

Just no need for all of the extra crap Under the Mountain. I get it. You have Benedict Cumberbatch. You want to use him like a dirty whore. (I know I do.) But, come on. Thorin would have totally melted and wtf was it with all those hanging mine car thingies (aside from a video game tie-in)?

Bilbo was nearly lost. Needed more of him.

Gandalf looking for the necromancer was a bit too much like Kazadum all over again.

BUT, I liked Beorn. He was badass.

Laketown was slow. Pacing came to a near crawl there.

Still, weirdly, I enjoyed myself for the most part.

[Harlowe]

I thought it felt like George Lucas helped him. Did Peter Jackson even read The Hobbit...I mean holy fuck what is it with all the long-ass sliding down things (a tunnel, the river, whatever) while having huge fight scenes that never happened. Oh and how do you get away from dragon fire? Oh just hide behind a rock or pillar NO PROBLEM.

This has none of the feel of the first trilogy and the music even sucks. The ending music on this second movie, was an especially rude kick to the balls.... like Star Trek Enterprise did with that horrendous opening song "It's been a long road, gettin' from there to here" ...blah blah "I got faith of the heart, going where Smaug will chase me".

The only saving grace for me was a character that didn't even exist in the book...Tauriel. I liked her and I liked seeing her fight.

[Alluveal]

Oh and how do you get away from dragon fire? Oh just hide behind a rock or pillar NO PROBLEM.

Yeah, I could have totally hidden behind a rock when Vox was using that AE on me. Seriously.

[Harlowe]

I feel like Jackson pulled a Lucas. You know the first trilogy, was EPIC and wonderful - something that you love forever... then he gets weird and goes full action/cgi retard on the next trilogy.A lot of shitty flying, riding, buzzing around in the water ridiculous action sequences that completely do nothing for the story. Even the goblins and the orcs have become Jar Jar Binks retarded.

[Harlowe]

Ed Sheeran's breathy, indie-pop song he wrote for this movie "I see fire" is seriously Faith of the Heart out of place. It's that moody, shitty music you listen to when you want to be depressed.

[Ddrak]

I haven't seen it, but can someone confirm that Thorin rides a molten river of gold in a metal bucket with his fingers inches from the surface?

Dd

[Ddrak]

And...

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Dd

[Alluveal]

Yes, Ddrak, I can confirm that shittery.

Harlowe is right. Jackson was not the person to do these prequels. Seriously. This makes me miss the Guillermo del Tor version that we never got. I don't imagine he would have had bullshit Lucas crap all up in that joint.

The thing is, I did enjoy it overall. I think part of that was (as Harlowe mentioned) Tauriel was really awesome. I loved her character. The wood elves were interesting. Even Legolas--though I could have done without him hopping off dwarves' heads and gliding over trees like a goddamned flying squirrel.

Part of this is that the dwarf (Gimli) from LOTR was nothing like these dwarves. Gimli had weight. Gimli was all about strength and sturdiness.

The Hobbit dwarves are hopping around, as spry as fuggin' wood nymphs. Like, they just pop out of barrels and do flips and crap and you're like, "WTF? What DM allowed them to roll an 18 STR and like a 25 DEX?"

[Harlowe]

Yeah Ddrak, a lot of ridiculous crappery like that happened while they were interacting with Smaug.

You nailed it Lulu. They have none of the weight that Gimli had. They are cartoon-ish (and apparently acrobatic) and have no meat to their characters, which is exactly what Lucas did to his series. He took the weighty characters and world and turned it into a smarmy farce.

That whole barrels-down-the-river scene pissed me off. It was long and ridiculous - like the goblin scene from the first one. Someone else said, it made the Starship Troopers fight scenes look realistic. I agree.

Besides Beorn and Tauriel, the characters were pretty weak.

[Massterloo]

There is a bright side to all this. As with movies that you wish had more to make them epic. All we have to do with these 3 is to edit out all the shit. Its what I did with the original Star Wars when they released the new prettier scenes. I gotta remember to convert those tapes to DVD one of these days.

[Ddrak]

I think Jackson would have been fine if he hadn't decided on 9 hours and kept it to a more reasonable 3-4. The Hobbit would work as a end-to-end action sequence, but doesn't need any of the slower pacing that LoTR took.

I'm hanging out for the 15 part version of The Silmarillion now! I mean, the razing of Angband alone could fill at least 2 movies, right?

Dd

[Massterloo]

That wont happen, the studio fucked the Tolkien family saying the movies didn't make money. So all the money they should of got from the box office percentage they were promised was pocketed. Even if the family sues, and wins - The studio makes out on what THAT money earns in interest even after legal fees. I doubt any studio is going to pay "up front" for the rights for the rest of the stories.

[Ddrak]

Movies never make money. That's standard Hollywood accounting. Always, always, always go after gross revenue and not profit.

Dd