With our cultures current deconstruction of manners, I would like to bring 'smalltalk' to the table.
When I say smalltalk - I am referring to the 'it's nice outside today' or other thoughtless irrelavent topics people bring up to random strangers.
Why do people feel the need to be social with a stranger about nothing in particular? Why do people walk around all day talking about the weather? Is it polite? My observation is that it's a way of showing somebody that you are part of or just respect the old world (old world to me is anything before my generation, cold-war era and before) mannerisms. I've noticed it's more common with older people from the 'good ol' days'. I guess in the 'good ol' days' when everybody knew eachother, and when life was much like The Andy Griffith Show, people talked to one another about nothing at all.
Maybe it's because I've become jaded in our present day in society. Should I feel wrong for feeling pity for people who say "good morning" to me - when I don't even know them? I understand I shoulden't feel threatened by these seemingly positive social gestures. Do any of you ranters walk down the streets skwaking the same thing over and over like a parrot?
Brushing shoulders with people, waiting in line all day, stepping on toes (and getting mine stepped on as well) could contribute to my current hyper-analysis of this really boring phenomnina.
Here's my question to you.
You're standing in an elevator for 30 seconds to a minute with another person (whom you've never seen before). Do you think it's akward that you're not talking or making eye-contact? Do you talk to this person, just for the fact that you're a 'social' person? Do you feel better for doing it?
NOTE:
This may seem like a rant, as I experience an intense amount of anxiety on a daily basis (just from people-proximity).
Didn't your mama ever tell you not to tango with a carrot?
Garrdor wrote:You're standing in an elevator for 30 seconds to a minute with another person (whom you've never seen before). Do you think it's akward that you're not talking or making eye-contact? Do you talk to this person, just for the fact that you're a 'social' person? Do you feel better for doing it?
If I've never seen them before, I don't make eye contact or do the whole small talk bit.
If it's someone I see (or am going to be seeing) on a regular basis, I will say something to them. If nothing else, it lets them know that I acknowledge their existence so they don't think I'm a douche bag.
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It depends on how nice I'm feeling that day. Like Taxious, if it's someone I'll see on a regular basis, then yes. Though, if it isn't a busy building and there is a lone male stranger in the elevator, I will wait for the next one.
Should I feel wrong for feeling pity for people who say "good morning" to me - when I don't even know them? I understand I shoulden't feel threatened by these seemingly positive social gestures. Do any of you ranters walk down the streets skwaking the same thing over and over like a parrot?
I'll add to that. As a young college girl friends with many other young college girls, oftentimes it is not innocent, polite smalltalk. Sometimes it's a creep trying to find any excuse to talk to the girl. I'm in the south, so I get a lot of "Good morning/afternoon/evening/ and How're you's". Those are fine and I usually smile, reply with a similar response and keep going. But I am always, always wary. The other night I was walking home, and I was making sure to stay near the busy, lit street in the rich district and skirt the park. I pass a few people and hear "Good evening" every now and then. I pass one guy with groceries who says it, I respond and keep going. I then hear, "I love you!" in a mumbled voice. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" I think and start walking faster. The guy turned completely around from where he was going with his groceries and starts following me. I unlock my pepper spray and hold it ready to fire. I cut through the most lit part of the dark park and he's still following and changing direction as I do. I finally lose him because I out walk him.
This is a typical mild story, I have dozens of other stories of close calls and upsetting creeps. Whether I'm in NY, my hometown, the south, or anywhere I am always skeptical. This kind of stuff happens whether I give a response or not and sometimes there isn't any small talk. "Good morning". "Good morning"...are you going to harass or hurt me?
I feel small talk is a defense mechanism; it breaks the ice in an otherwise awkward social interaction. Though I have no material to back up this idea.
I've noticed that I'm a small talk killer, that when I'm asked a question like 'How's it going?" I'll respond with 'good, thanks' which kills the topic, instead of a 'good, how are you?' which keeps it going. I always kind of wonder if that's rude, or shows that I don't like small talk which I pretty much don't.
And I find people who actually respond to a small talk question kind of annoying. It's kind of awkward to throw out a 'how's it going?' and get an actual answer back.
And people who say 'hi' always get a 'hello' back. I just think I sound nicer saying 'hello' than I do saying 'hi'.
About the elevator question, I don't feel like I have to start a conversation with someone. I'm ok with silence. But if there is some connection I can make with the other person like I recognize them from somewhere then I'll make the effort to do it.
I never thought I was from a small town until I moved away. My dad was the Chief of Staff of the ER starting around my 6th grade year. I went to a private middle school with an 8th grade graduating class number of 14 (ok thats small i know but bear with me). The other private schools (and there were a fair amount of them in The County) were all kind of tight knit. I played basketball on the school team, as did my sister, so my parents knew the competitors parents, we knew the other kids and so on. When I got to public High School it was ALL local kids (versus the private high school my sister went to where they were bussed in from 2 surrounding counties as well) and my graduating class turned into 450. I can honestly say i KNEW most of my classmates, and either liked, or disliked them. We hung out, talked, ate lunch etc etc etc. When I turned 18 I joined the Fire Department (only female currently in the 112 years of it's history) and I knew every cop, firefighter and Paramedic in the county. Everyone knew me, and I knew everyone, so small talk was simply a part of everything. Everytime i got pulled over, and it was quite often for awhile, the nice officer would ask me how dad was, how the baby was, how my new husband and his mother who called the police on me for kidnapping them were and that was that. Then I moved to Texas and I didn't know a soul, and I didn't make friends with anyone for awhile (i sank myself into EQ ...) but no one talked to me. I mean at the grocery store someone would hold the door open, and I'd smile and say thank you, and they'd tip their hats and walk away. The cashier would say "Gonna be a hot one today, hope your food don't melt afore you gets it home!" or something similar, but that was it.
Me ? I'm a talker. I talk to anyone, about anything, i'm not shy, i'm not a wallflower although I don't go out of my way to talk to someone necessarily. I'm currently working as a cashier at a gas station/convenience store/deli, and although i don't call everyone honey or sweetheart I do talk to them ! I ask how the kids are (cause they brought them in 2 days ago), or ask them if it's hot enough outside, or if they think we'll get rain, or when the corn will be ready, or that kind of thing. I do it to feel polite partly. It seems rude to me to just say "is that all ? 4.76. Would you like a bag?" and not smile and not be pleasant. It's not a great job, but I really am a people person, so I'm good at it I guess. I believe Xitizu is correct to a point. When you go out on a date with someone for the first time then small talk helps to release the pressure thats there to begin with. When you meet a new person it's the same thing. I think it's also the way we are built, to speak to those around us, to acknowledge their presence in the room, or in the world. I don't think you should feel threatened, but if you DO then maybe it's because you feel uncomfortable being acknowledged and there's no reason to pity someone who feels the need to say something to you... but thats my opinion.
Njorls isn't wrong to kill small talk either. Sometimes it just polite and sometimes it's fishing when someone starts small talk. At least he responds with an actual answer, even to kill the chat, then with nothing more then a grunt (THAT is rude).
Yes and No to the question. Depending on the situation I'm likely to say hello to someone, or at least a thank you for holding the elevator door, but i was in the elevator today with 2 other people and no one uttered a word /shrug, fine by me. I mean i don't know my neighbors names (they moved in and replaced the Mastiff people) but when I see them I say Hello, or ask them how work was if they're obviously in uniform and coming home. I guess it's also just partly the way I was raised, where everyone knew each other and said something, and partly just who I am.
I travel a lot and consider myself friendly and outgoing in the world. I've always thought that the basic pleasantries go a long way. I certainly get better service from airlines, resturants, hotels, etc. by treating everyone I see as an old friend. When people are pleasant to each other it's win-win. While it may be gratifying to make the pretty girl at the ticket counter smile, it's even better spending 4 hours stretching my legs in the exit row because she gave me the best seat on the plane.
I am terrible at smalltalk. People just hate silence sometimes. It's a known interrogation technique (works especially well with teens.) Ask them a question and they will answer. If you feel it's a lie, sit there and wait, watching them, looking at them. Most people will get so uncomfortable by the silence, they start babbling or blurting things out. Eventually, they'll incriminate themselves accidentally or they'll give you the truth just to avoid the "tense silence."
I like silence sometimes. I like quiet. People not talking isn't freaky to me or weird (unless you're on a first date or in an interview or such.)
But, I do agree with Freecare. I like to be pleasant to people I am dealing with (or conducting business with,) whether it's the rental car dude or the waitress.
Alluveal wrote:I am terrible at smalltalk. People just hate silence sometimes. It's a known interrogation technique (works especially well with teens.) Ask them a question and they will answer. If you feel it's a lie, sit there and wait, watching them, looking at them. Most people will get so uncomfortable by the silence, they start babbling or blurting things out. Eventually, they'll incriminate themselves accidentally or they'll give you the truth just to avoid the "tense silence."
I like silence sometimes. I like quiet. People not talking isn't freaky to me or weird (unless you're on a first date or in an interview or such.)
But, I do agree with Freecare. I like to be pleasant to people I am dealing with (or conducting business with,) whether it's the rental car dude or the waitress.
I'm just like you Allu, I hate smalltalk. I hate it because it feels phony and there is nothing that annoys me more than people pretending to be interested in you or faking interest in another person. I feel like it's being condescending to them.
Shooting the shit is awesome, forcing a discussion about weather, sports, family etc...not so much.
Harlowe wrote:I'm just like you Allu, I hate smalltalk. I hate it because it feels phony and there is nothing that annoys me more than people pretending to be interested in you or faking interest in another person. I feel like it's being condescending to them.
Shooting the shit is awesome, forcing a discussion about weather, sports, family etc...not so much.
I totally agree that pretending to be interested is very annoying. For these occurances just a smile suffices. But going back to the body language discussion in the other thread, people seem to have this radar where they can tell if someone is genuine. Personally I find most people to be truly interesting, and so I'm genuinely interested (provided the person seems interesting), and whatever banter with random strangers is usually well received. I really am interested or I wouldn't be wasting my time, and that comes across, and people open up to me.
So like any other human interaction, small talk is a dance, and if it's a dance you're good at, then I believe that it gives you a better quality of life - especially if you travel a lot and interact with huge amounts of random people like I do.
Just last week I had the "hanging judge" of arline ticket counter agents. She told the 3 people ahead of me in line that the flight was full and there would be no chance of anyone changing seats. Well after a little bit of small talk and a humble posture I scored the good seat that I score about 100% of the time. Afterwards the lady that was in front of me in line approached me and asked how I did it, which turned into more interesting small talk...
I never engage in small talk. Small talk with women always comes across as flirting, which results either in my girlfriend getting pissed off or the woman i'm talking to gets an arrogant, snotty tone about her that makes me punch her in the face.
Small talk with guys also always comes across as flirting, which presents a whole new set of problems.
Ddrak wrote:What's wrong with flirting? I'd hate to be in a relationship where we weren't allowed to flirt...
Dd
Yeah, I look at it like I'm married, not dead. I'm a lucky man. If I'm too distracted to notice the waitress with the nice ass, my wife will point her out to me. I just never got the whole overbearing/overpossesive girlfriend thing. Once I was over at a co-worker's house and he had Baywatch on, and his wife was saying "Do you find her attractive? Would you rather be with her?". His wife was jealous over the TV! If that's not the seventh circle of hell I don't know what is...
Looking = OK. Flirting = OK. Touching = Not OK. Pretty simple.
I tend to be a jealous girlfriend, but I also tend to pick the jealous guys. I tell them if you wouldn't like me doing it, you don't do it. It works out~ Wouldn't work at all with a flirtatious guy D:
I dunno.. I've never been a flirt. And I've always thought that people who were flirts were somehow not secure within themselves. They seem to be looking to others for constant re-affirmation of self-worth. Always seemed kind of pathetic to me.
Correction Mr. President, I DID build this, and please give Lurker a hug, we wouldn't want to damage his self-esteem.
Embar Angylwrath wrote:I dunno.. I've never been a flirt. And I've always thought that people who were flirts were somehow not secure within themselves. They seem to be looking to others for constant re-affirmation of self-worth. Always seemed kind of pathetic to me.
I think it depends on how you define flirting. There definitely is a line that crosses into pathetic need for attention from the opposite sex.
