Denial

Taxious · Post by **Taxious** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:14 am

Is denial a bad thing? Specifically, if someone knows the truth about a situation but then lives their lives purposefully ignoring the truth because they want to, is that right/wrong?

I have a friend who just found out that his GF has been cheating on him. He says he's still happy with her, even though he doesn't like the cheating. He keeps saying "I'll just live in denial and pretend it's not happening because I don't want to lose the good stuff."

I keep going back an forth with it. It sounds kind of ridiculous to me, but if he really doesn't care - is the denial road the best to go down?

Harlowe · Post by **Harlowe** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:58 am

It doesn't seem healthy, but if he really doesn't care; isn't he just choosing to have a somewhat open relationship with a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement? In that case it's not really cheating anymore.

But IMO, people usually do end up caring about stuff like their partner screwing other people and it's bound to come out in negative ways in the relationship at some point.

Taxious · Post by **Taxious** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 10:23 am

Harlowe wrote:it's bound to come out in negative ways in the relationship at some point.

Haha, yeah he was talking about that too. "At least I don't have to worry about making her happy anymore. I have a license to do whateverthefuck I want now."

In a more general sense, would you ever choose to live in denial of something?

Harlowe · Post by **Harlowe** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:43 pm

I really don't feel I'm capable of it. Trying to push something (I know is true) to the back of my mind to make it go away and then try live in denial of it, just wouldn't work for me. I'd know it's there, it would eat at me and make me miserable. In fact the act of trying to deny something I know is true, only makes me focus on it more.

It wouldn't be a way I'd want to live, let alone being capable of doing it.

Ariannda Kusanagi · Post by **Ariannda Kusanagi** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:55 pm

I can honestly say that no, given certain circumstances, like cheating, i can't live with the denial. My ex husband and I actually split up over denial. When there's a MAJOR problem in a relationship (specifically speaking in this case) you can NOT ignore it or believe the problem will go away and it will end things. Now small things sure. In the end you have to decide what you can live with and what you can't live without. My ex and I are actually a really good couple in a LOT of ways, we have chemistry and a spark between us but that spark often turned into a raging inferno and that was a problem as well. You just can't ignore something thats important to you, and infidelity breaks people and relationships up, period. Maybe the couple can recover, but it will break them apart. People in open relationships aren't really happy either (from what i've ever seen) it's just excuses and bullshit and people end up getting hurt in the end, because they decide there's certain things they can't live with.

Embar Angylwrath · Post by **Embar Angylwrath** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:55 pm

Ignoring reality is a great way to fuck up your life.

Alluveal · Post by **Alluveal** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 1:08 pm

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. He's sending her the message that it's ok for her to treat him like shit.

She sounds like she needs a good kick in the box.

And he needs to stop being a doormat.

If they're ok with an open relationship, that's something else, but this is just pathetic.

Taxious · Post by **Taxious** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 3:11 pm

Alluveal wrote:It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. He's sending her the message that it's ok for her to treat him like shit.

Oh, she doesn't know that he knows about her being a dirty tramp. I guess he found out by looking through her email (lulz) and hasn't said anything to her about it.

Embar Angylwrath wrote:Ignoring reality is a great way to fuck up your life.

It keeps reminding me of the matrix scene where the one guy wants to be reinserted back into the matrix so that he doesn't have to deal with RL. Ignorance is bliss, but is self-forced ignorance (AKA denial) even possible/healthy in some situations?

Freecare Spiritwise · Post by **Freecare Spiritwise** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 3:54 pm

They should get married

Embar Angylwrath · Post by **Embar Angylwrath** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:19 pm

Denial is never a healthy way to deal with life. It doens't change reality, and the problem just grows bigger the longer you ignore it.

People who engage in denial are just weak-minded limpdicks. And they are usually the largest obstacle in their own lives.

Freecare Spiritwise · Post by **Freecare Spiritwise** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:36 pm

Embar Angylwrath wrote: People who engage in denial are just weak-minded limpdicks. And they are ALWAYS the largest obstacle in their own lives.

Fix'd.

Select · Post by **Select** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:44 pm

Yea, your friend isn't apathetic for sure. Just a ploy so he feels better. He's coming up with lame excuses to justify it because deep down under the denial, he hates it and he knows exactly how he feels. Just keep watching and you'll see problems surface. Though, the wimp needs to at least talk to her about it.

I don't think denial is healthy. Under super stressful circumstances your brain might suppress the memories, but that is way different and the only time I see it being valuable. Of course, suppression usually leads to other problems in life and then those suppressed memories need to be dug up and worked out.

Post by **Ddrak** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:32 pm

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/c ... to_believe

Dd

Freecare Spiritwise · Post by **Freecare Spiritwise** » Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:47 pm

OMFG.

Mukik · Post by **Mukik** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 9:06 am

"Were going to be ignoring Iraq some more!"

lol

Taxious · Post by **Taxious** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 9:31 am

That didn't last long... He talked to her about it and I guess they are done. Apparently, she'd been sleeping with her ex (and who ever else) for about a year and a half while she was with him.

Maybe he really had denial (not self invoked) about it the whole time anyway.

Klast Brell · Post by **Klast Brell** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 9:35 am

I hope they were using condoms.

Taxious · Post by **Taxious** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:38 pm

Fuck it, I need to rant some about this. The guy I'm talking about is me, and the "girl" was my BF. Thanks a lot, asshole, for making me feel even more shitty about life and myself. GDI I wish I wasn't such a horrible judge of character.

This makes me 2 for 2 so far on the "I get into shitty relationships" scale. Both times I've been in lolove, it's ended because I find out the guy is cheating on me. Notice that it's "I find out" and not "they tell me" either. No one fucking cares until it's over, then it's all "I miss you, I love you, blah blah blah."

Klast Brell wrote:I hope they were using condoms.

Yes.

Select wrote:Yea, your friend isn't apathetic for sure. Just a ploy so he feels better. He's coming up with lame excuses to justify it because deep down under the denial, he hates it and he knows exactly how he feels. Just keep watching and you'll see problems surface. Though, the wimp needs to at least talk to her about it.

Correct. I do hate what happened, but part of me honestly thinks that there isn't much better. Maybe this is just the way things are in the world and I'm the one that needs to change. I hate to play the "homo" card, but perhaps we live in different worlds where cheating is normal? Every gay couple (even the 10+ year ones) I've known has had some issue in their relationship where one of the people has fucked someone else.

This emotional stuff kills me, I'm not sure how to handle it. I keep reminding myself that with time, things will wash away, but it sure sucks right now.

Select · Post by **Select** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:54 pm

Tax, it does suck. I've been through a number of shitty relationships myself. The last I was in, I was cheated on (I found out months later from his ex-best friend who is now my good friend) and he gave me something. (I took him to the Magistrate by myself and won the medical bills and court costs I sued for

) I should have been more wary because I learned after we started dating he cheated on his high school sweetheart he supposedly wanted to marry and had a history... but people do deceive you to get in your pants. Anyway, I went through one serious and two semi-serious shitty relationships and a few shitty flings. Now I'm going on a year with the current and I'm very happy. Don't beat yourself up for giving your heart to someone. You were in denial, which wasn't the best, but you snapped out of that fairly quickly. It does suck right now, but things do change. Waiting sucks the most, but time will change things. Spend time with friends as much as possible and just like what was told to Ari, spend time on you. Maybe spending time on you will help you identify a pattern you keep falling into when you look for relationships. It worked for me~ On another positive note, my uncles have been together since before I was born and are going strong

Hah, if it helps you, act like an asshole towards the ex-bf... just make sure you're not burning any bridges you could use career-wise.

Ariannda Kusanagi · Post by **Ariannda Kusanagi** » Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:19 pm

Taxious, my bestest gayest friend ever, you're not living in denial because you know you can't and we support you on this issue. Living in denial isn't healthy nor is it necessary. You deserve better. Fuck the idea that everyone you know has an issue, if they have WORKED on it and moved past it then thats ok, it's not ok to dwell but I believe you're better off without him, and don't waste your time with someone who's wasting yours.

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